Although innocuous in appearance, the candiru or 'vampire fish' is known for it's mythical ability to swim up the end of a gentleman's pene. When it is snug, deep within the urethra, it is said to latch on with its razor sharp teeth. Of which it has legion. Debate on the veracity of this legend exists only because everyone is too scared to look. There may be up to 9 billion candirus lodged in hog's eyes worldwide at any given time. However, it is reassuring to note that only 87% of these bore their way through the body cavity into the brain, where they will operate the body as an amusing meat puppet. Loved ones may suspect infestation if a sudden interest in conspiracy theories , Michael Macintyre or obtaining the Hayu channel manifests, along with severe wincing and a marked decrease (or increase) in onanism.