Titan Beetle

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Titan Beetle

Now I'm a big fan of beetles. I'm particularly fond of the scarab family, and my favourite is the golden super-pimp Chrysina Resplendens. That said, there are always going to be exceptions to the rule.

Meet the Titan Beetle. Measuring up to 6 and a half inches long, this heavyweight bug lives in South American rainforests, but it is always possible one borrows a bus pass and turns up unannounced asking if it can crash on your sofa for a bit.

No-one has ever seen their larvae, but they are suspected to live underground eating rotting wood. It could be French Fancies and Tizer, or ham sandwiches and chamomile tea. It could be eyes, of a specific colour and hue, Eyes JUST LIKE YOURS.

The Titan beetle has poor dental hygeine, wispy facial hair and thinks Michael McIntyre is 'just mint, mate'. If you're at a party, the Titan bug will, apropos of nothing, start singing and strumming the fucking ukelele they 'just happen to have with them'.

The Titan beetle has a sharp spine, so if you pick it up, you will go 'ouch'. It also hisses (nasty), and you'll like this, it's mandibles can snap a pencil in half. Or your finger. Either way.

Noone (apart from me) knows what, if anything, adult beetles eat. It is dreams, my loves. It is the eater of dreams.