HORRORS OF THE DEEP
Our logo shows the beautiful angler fish for good reason. Perhaps the obvious choice for those unwilling to dip a toe in the water. Designed directly from the nightmares of overly intelligent children. The only thing more horrible than their 'oh look it's a pretty light, wait..., ARGH IT'S AN ACTUAL MONSTER' ness, is their weird mating. Mr Angler Fish is much, much tinier than Mrs Angler Fish. Mr AF BITES INTO Mrs AF belly and latches ontil he is permanently fused to her. Talk about needy. And gross. Their conversation is limited as his mouth is glued to her belly, and she has real difficulty making any plosive sounds. There's probably an angler fish under your pillow. They wear trousers with no socks and accidentally spit on you when they laugh.
Poor Blobfish. Bobbing around the sea depths, minding his own business, looking pretty fly. BAM - brought to the surface, depressurises and looks like that blind date you got set up with last Summer. Having a gloopy, gelatinous body (don't do that face at me, all these lock downs have been HARD) and a density slightly higher than water, the blobfish bobs about, eating whatever is in front of its face (I SAID DON'T JUDGE ME). That said, he's not an idea partner; smelling faintly of cardboard that's been put on a bonfire, then put out with water, he's prone to clearing his throat in an annoying, repetitive matter (cough already), and chuckling to himself whilst shaing his head, desperate to share an anecdote with you that is woefully overlong and with no apparent end, or indeed point. Don't make eye contact! I said, oh never mind...
"Dude!" "NO WAY!" "Dude!". This is pretty much all the Bristlemouth says, hence the perpetually surprised face. Numbering in quadrillions, these deep sea toothy fishes swim higher at night and flash their photophores at each other. "DUDE I am toastex right now!" "No way, I'm tripping balls too bro!" Repeat ad nauseum. Main food sources are disco biscuits, micro dots and the hands and faces of midnight skinny dippers.
Although innocuous in appearance, the candiru or 'vampire fish' is known for it's mythical ability to swim up the end of a gentleman's pene. When it is snug, deep within the urethra, it is said to latch on with its razor sharp teeth. Of which it has legion. Debate on the veracity of this legend exists only because everyone is too scared to look. There may be up to 9 billion candirus lodged in hog's eyes worldwide at any given time. However, it is reassuring to note that only 87% of these bore their way through the body cavity into the brain, where they will operate the body as an amusing meat puppet. Loved ones may suspect infestation if a sudden interest in conspiracy theories , Michael Macintyre or obtaining the Hayu channel manifests, along with severe wincing and a marked decrease (or increase) in onanism.
Cookie Cutter Shark
Why should we stay on land today? I imagined you asking that and I'm pleased you asked. Today you should avoid the briney depths that are home to the cutesily-named Cookie Cutter Shark. Sharks aren't that bad are they? This one scoops out big circular chunks of your flesh with it's bandsaw-like teeth. So it is. It doesn't wear socks, but it does wear pointy brogues. Its favourite music is the Lighthouse Family's 'Ocean Drive' which it plays on repeat at you, and its favourite drink is warm squash. It's a shit shark. There, I said it. You thought it first.
Deep Sea Dragon fish
All cosied up my chums? Snuggle down and I'll tell you the story of Fluff Bunkins. My mistake, it's Horror Show, the Deep Sea Dragonfish. Oops. Like a less-cuddly chest-burster, the Dragonfish lures prey with its pretty light-up cheeks, belly spots and wavy terror-barbel. It makes it massive needleteeth extra nightmare by being able to open its jaws past 100 degrees and eating anything it can fit in. Like jam sandwiches, a melon, or your face. It claims to like 'long walks, star gazing and vibrant discussion'. What it actually likes is 'sneaking about, shredding living tissue and champing it into a pulp', but it found it got less dates with that. Its favourite programme is Top Gear. Stay away from the light Carol Anne.
The dumbo octopus is not, as many think, named for it's flappy fins that look like an cartoon elephant's ears. It refers cruelly to the abyssal sea-dwelling octopod's very low IQ. No dumbo octopus has ever got higher than an E grade in any exam. Indeed, many struggle to complete even the most basic education. They are unusual in that they do not produce ink, which is thought to be because they'd then be scared they'd have to write something. They live at depths of up to 7,000 metres in the hope that they don't meet anyone who might ask them a difficult question. Their favourite food is orange jelly and they often whistle tunelessly whilst they punt about the place.
What name could elicit fear without even seeing a thing? Meet, my friends, the charming Faceless fish. Long thought extinct, it was sadly rediscovered in 2017, hiding in a wardrobe in Salisbury under a discarded handbag. The faceless fish is a type of cusk eel (they're all quite 'homely'), with no face. Well, it has eyes buried deeeeeeep beneath the skin. So deep you may as well not bother.
It feeds on despair, consistenly bashes into you and emits an irritating incessant humming noise of a frequency that causes you to make a brown underpant. Doesn't get invited to parties.
I'm making up you talking to me. I like having you as a friend, so bear with me. Ohh shh you're saying something; "I'm off to the municipal pool tomorrow, and I'm worried I won't soil myself in fear". Don't worry, my sweet imaginary friend. Let me tell you about the sweetly-named Fangtooth. So called, because of it's massive fang-ed tooth(s plural). Teeths. Whatever. If you looked it up, you might find it is relatively harmless, but what you won't find on Wikipedia, is it speaks in a very monotonous voice, usually going on and on about Brutalist architecture. It only likes watching Eastern European animation from the 60s and boasts incessantly about it's ability to make 'the perfect ragout' (which it can't). As soon as you are bored to sleep, it pops your eyes and drinks the goo. Legit nasty.
The Frogfish is so called because the person who named it was entirely unfamiliar with frogs. Creepily, it can't be bothered swimming and walks around the sea bottom on two stumpy fins, bellowing the chorus out of Paul McCartney's terrible 'Frog Chorus'. There are many types, some covered in spinules, which is Latin for 'spiteful stabbers'. They grow from an inch to 15 inches long. They like to hide all crafty-like. This one is wearing a smart algae suit. They eat only brown french fancies, or if out of season, Burger Bites crisps from the Spar. Like all good fish, the ladies might eat the men after doing the nasty. Because they can.
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It's been a bit rainy today, and in case you are planning on walking in any very, very, very deep puddles, let me intoduce you the Goblin Shark. It's got really horrible table manners, a giant weird fish nose and is described as a 'living fossil'. Or an 'actual nightmare'. It's most recognisable feature is it's reedy nasal laughter. Frequent sender of unsolicited nudes, the Goblin shark has no concept of personal space. One minute you're trying to avoid its uncomfortably personal questions, the next you're looking at its horrid fishy uvula. Goblin OR shark but never both. Please.
"The fuck you say?!" Poor Lumpfish. Firstly, it's called a Lumpfish. Secondly, it's called a Lumpfish. Thirdly, it's mostly prized for being caught, having its eggs removed for someone who can't afford posh caviar ("the fish pooooooo Sir?") and then tossed back in the sea. Barren, and somewhat worse, dead. No wonder they look like this. ALSO they are sometimes 'employed' to clean up parasites from filthy salmon in salmon farms. They don't even get paid. EQUAL RIGHTS FOR LUMPFISH! We can forgive them for their leaving the bread open when they make their sandwiches (crusts off, thick white, ham OR jam), and taking ages to answer the door (they don't have a swim bladder, so they frequent the deeper bits). LOVED Game of Thrones and are losing sleep over whether the new Dragons series will be a bit shit. Tolerable.